Ah, back to school. If you tell your kids those three words it’s basically torture to their ears. But, while they struggle to comprehend the fact that they’re about to embark on another year of early morning bus rides and homework, parents are breaking out the champagne.
It’s a glorious time of year because you no longer have to worry about planning the day for your kids. While many may argue that Christmas season is the best time year, a lot of parents will say it’s back-to-school season. And by a lot of parents, I specifically mean the ones in this article.
The Light At The End Of The Tunnel
It’s exhausting when you have kids. Anyone who tells you differently is just blatantly lying to you. Being a parent has many perks, but one of them isn’t that you just magically get more energy because you pop a few human beings out of your body.
When you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel (read: end of the summer), it’s a miraculous sight. The final stretch is tough. You’re going to be worn down by “bored” kids who never stop running around and asking for things. You can do it, though. I believe in you.
The Countdown Is On
Let’s be honest. We only have countdown calendars for events that we’re overly excited for. These are things like vacations, weddings, birthdays, and obviously when your kids go back to school.
To a kidwho isn’t looking forward to going back to school, seeing this countdown would be absolutelydevastating. It’s almost as bad as a countdown calendar for when your next dentist appointment is. Ugh.
Wait, It’s THAT Easy?
Life is about finding the loopholes and exploiting them to your benefit. This is exactly what this little kid is doing. None of us ever thought that we could just say “we’re busy” and get out of going to school.
Think about it. If the school calls to ask where the kid has been, you can just say he has other commitments right now and that’s a mic drop. This kid will never have to go to school again.
Coming up, a picture that shows how back-to-school season is also “bribe your kid’s teacher” season”.
That One Overlooked Skill Of Being A Parent
As mean as this sounds, one of the only ways you’ll survive parenthood is by having strong deception skills. You need to be able to display one emotion on the outside while you feel another on the inside with ease.
This is a perfect example of when that deception comes into play in your favor. It’s a win-win here for this mom. She’s making her son feel like she doesn’t want him to leave, which is a win. And, she gets him to leave, which is a win.
Where Are The Wine-o’s?
This is a valid question. Wine pairs well with basically everything, so without searching too long, this mom should be able to find the perfect wine pairing.
Perhaps a nice Merlot to help you prance down the calculator aisle. Or maybe it’ll be a full bottle of Chardonnay to help you forget that a single eraser costs over $2. I don’t think that there’s a wrong answer here.
Get Your Bribes Ready
With back-to-school comes the knowledge that you’ll have to bribe teachers and pay them off for your kid’s bad behavior. If you know that they’re not going to be great listeners, it’s a good idea to get the teacher on your good side.
As a teacher, getting a gift like this at the beginning of the year would be mildly concerning, but appreciated. For teachers, it’s the little things that get them through the school year.
Just ahead, a mom who completely read a situation with other parents wrong, and it backfired hilariously.
Gaming Dads Rejoice
The distractions are gone, which means that the gaming is back to full throttle. If you think that kids are uptight about their video game atmosphere, you haven’t met some dads.
These dads need complete silence when they’re playing and are very prone to yelling profanities. It’s well-known that summer is a very tough time for video game dads because they have to keep their kids busy and can’t fully focus on their play at hand.
I Completely Read That Situation Wrong
Wait, there are actually parents who are sad about their kids going back to school? Like this mom, I thought that all of the tears from moms watching their kids get on the bus were just crocodile tears?
The whole fake-crying thing is a really powerful and creative way to make your kids feel like their sadness for going back to school is validated. Hmm, I guess I’m going to have to reevaluate high fives around back-to-school time.
“Me And Mom Are Popping Champ To The Thought Of You In Math Class”
We need all of the parenting tips that we can get, so thanks, Alex. It’s noted that you shouldn’t be sending your kids Snapchats of you popping champagne and day drinking because they’re back at school.
Definitely do the partying, but maybe just keep it to yourself and other happy parents who are celebrating the best day of the year. The moral of the story is to party hard, but party in private.
Coming up, a dad who learned the hard way that you shouldn’t send your kids a Snapchat of you popping champagne because they’re back at school.
Use The Resistance To Your Benefit
This is very smart and resourceful. When you have to walk your kids to school in the morning but also want to get in some pre-work exercise, use your little guys as weights.
Body weight work-outs are really beneficial. Resistance work-outs are becoming even more popular too. Dragging your kids to school is a perfect way to ensure that you have more calories exiting your body than entering it.
World War Three In The Target School Supply Aisle
Back to school shopping at Target is like no other atmosphere in the world. It’s chaotic, wild, and aggressive. It’s a dog-eat-dog world in those school supply aisles and you have no allies.
You could be shopping with your best friend and they’ll turn on you in a second if you grab the last pack of mechanical pencils. Kids have no idea of the battlegrounds parents head into to get them prepared for first grade. It’s a madhouse.
It’s A No For Me Dawg – Randy Jackson
Back to school shopping is a time that parents are allowed to be savage. Shopping for clothing for the next school year is a big deal to kids. Getting the perfect outfit for the first day is important, so as a parent, it’s important to be honest.
Your high schooler isn’t going to be thinking of the dress code when they’re picking clothes, so that means you have to. If they bring out the mid-drift revealing top or the short shorts, it HAS to be a no.
Back to school shopping is the worst. See how a mom just ahead keeps her sanity in the best way possible.
Snack Time Is The Best Time
One of the best parts about going to school is that you get to munch on sugary snacks. Some of the fondest memories of our childhood come when you’re chowing down on a chocolate covered granola bar getting ready for recess.
Almost every family buys snacks that are meant JUST for school. Unfortunately for mom and dad, these snacks have a magnet attached to them that attracts kids. They’re not going to last long.
NOT Everyone Little Man
Every parent loves to complain about the amount of time that kids are off school (I hear you) but we need to count our blessings in that department. In other countries, the summer break is WAY longer.
In Chile, “summer vacation” lasts from mid- December until late-March. In Ethiopia, summer vacation is a whopping 15 weeks long. Our eight week summer vacation doesn’t seem so bad anymore, does it?
The Calm Before The Storm
This is kind of going off the rails here, but it’s interesting to note that the crayon ranks #18 on the list of most recognizable smells according to a study done by Yale University.
Also, by the time that a kid gets to the age of ten, they’ll have gone through approximately 730 crayons and will have spent almost 30 minutes a day coloring. Blue is by far the favorite color.
A mom perfectly tweets about the dead giveaway to know when it’s back to school time.
Practice Makes Perfect
One of the negatives of having your kids going to school is that they’re on a strict timeline to get to class. If you’re a parent and not a morning person, this means that you’re going to be cutting it close EVERYDAY.
Mornings consist of seven snooze hits on your alarm clock, dragging your kids out of bed, burning their toast and then frantically packing their backpacks. It’s chaos to the nth degree.
Why Does It All Have To Be So Expensive?
It’s bad enough you had to spend all of your hard-earned savings on things like summer camps and swimming lessons. Now, you have to drop a small fortune on brand new clothes because your kid shot up a couple of inches since they last wore clothes that are school-appropriate.
It gets even worse when you realize that you’re going to go through 15 pairs of jeans and have to drop some cash on both indoor and outdoor shoes. Get ready to do it all over again when winter hits!
“You’re Going To Get In This Picture, And You’re Going To Smile”
Back to school means that the porch is about to get a full photo shoot on it. The pictures have to include a dog, matching outfits for the kids, a chalkboard with “Day One” written on it, and a front door in the background.
The smiles are going to be forced because if they aren’t there’s going to be a lot of screaming coming from an overly excited mom behind the camera.
This Is What A Savage Looks Like
Let it all out Julie, let it all out. This is excitement that has been bottled up since the last day of school from last year. It’s a bit savage to yell at every kid and then laugh at them, but to each their own.
I wonder how many tears were shed when Julie came truckin’ through the school parking lot. She probably set off fireworks and had confetti as soon as her kid walked through the front door of the school.
Some Advice For The Departing
If you’re a kid and reading this article, a) I’m sorry that you’ve had to read about how excited your parents are about you going back, and b) here’s some advice.
If there’s anyone to give you some much needed back-to-school advice, it should probably be Moon Pie. With that being said, maybe take this advice with a grain of salt and not fully commit to it. It could end poorly for you.